nothing, and, everything: never being consistent

I feel like the title speaks for itself. I have a want to do everything, so I try, and yet I still do nothing even consistently. It works for awhile till I drive myself insane and retreat, something I am not proud of and wish to work on. I constantly have plans and ideas and know what to do with them until I actually have time to do them and yet I cant always physically bring myself to do them. Than I have nothing to show, but jumbled ideas that mesh together in my brain but no body knows because I, again, don’t do anything with them.

I call it research and in part, it is, but what is the point if their is no action. Than I pull myself out of this cycle and make an apparently once in a year post to try and make up for it but it seems the key to be is consistent. Any way, self pity out of the way, at least I’ve been painting more, talking more, reading so much more, and even going out.

I’m trying very hard to participate, and I do genuinely (but who am I to say really), even pushing through my awkward jumbled speech but I realize you don’t get better if you don’t do it. It has been very nice to connect more honestly with people and even talking more with some old friends and getting more involved in Richmond community where I hope to make my lifelong home. Building confidence is seemingly to look like a life long endeavor.

I’ve found local music I really like by going out: Brookhouse and Alex J Dimas who I both had the pleasure of seeing live recently. A friend has gotten me interested in an Art organization they’re a part of. Local organizations have managed to fill up the rest of my week days; theirs always something going on here. It helps that now I always recognize someone, or someone’s recognizing me; it feels nice and encourages me to keep going even if I don’t always ‘feel’ like it.

I’ve been playing all of the life is strange games which is less of game and more of just taking time and noticing. It feels like a time capsule. One that definitely influenced my style and music taste. This game makes me think and feel something I cant quite explain, at least not yet, but every time I'm in it, or think about it, I’m transported to that feeling. I felt the same thing on my road trip. It’s not nostalgia (though I do have nostalgia in general for the game) but something distantly similar. I want to come back to it later to try and put into words what I dont have now.

I have been reading a little more fiction here and their to break away from my obsessive desire to read as much non-fiction and history in an attempt to catch up on all the years wasted not reading or understanding history in my youth. Doing book reflections and specific note taking has helped me retain more information and find books that I wouldn’t think would connect, actually pair nicely together in my quest for understanding writing as an art form as well as a unique communication tool. And of course always on search to find connections to liminality.

Some fiction I've read recently was The Memory Police by Yoko Ogawa, Roadside Picnic by the Strugatsky brothers, and a surprisingly delightful short read of April Morning by Howard Fast. All include some interesting twist on relationships with governments or authoritative powers and how ‘we’ exist, and resist, inside them and what different forms that can take.

Currently I’m reading what I feel to be my favorite books of the year: The Message by Ta-Nehisi Coates and The Buffalo Hunter Hunter by Stephen Graham Jones. The former being this beautiful journey across the world exploring the meaning of writing and the importance of participating, noticing, and thinking further on what you’re seeing. Even how do you communicate something uncommunicable and how that idea can be explained with good writing. He reminds me of Anthony Bourdain and Naomi Kline, my other favorite writers and journalists. The latter book being a gripping horror, I’m still very early in but the mental pictures it paints has stuck with me as with how the journal inside the book is set up. A book where I have to set it down each chapter and limit myself because I do not want to eat the whole buffet at once and want to savor each taste; I cant say a fiction book has ever done that for me, excluding the My Brilliant Friend quartet.

I should also probably include in this update that I was accepted into two residencies in France! the first being Chateau Orquevaux and second being Atelier, in Chateau de Cerisay. Honestly, I’m still shocked I was accepted; I genuinely don’t think my practice or body of work is where I want it to be and came across desperate in my applications (although I am and was at the time of my application). I don’t have an consist body of work communicating my ideas other than what I made in college; and even that felt like it was on the tip of my tongue with what I want to explore. I want to write, as someone with no technical understanding or even idea of how to put together writing other than being inspired by what I've read. (hence these journal blogs).

But I guess that’s also the point; being in a new spot with completely new people to meet and share and explore what you’re doing with them and get fresh feedback and direction. I’m excited to meet so many new artists, begin plain air painting everyday for 6 weeks, take all these ideas and get them to a more finalized point. And of course being out of the states ( do I really need to elaborate?). Of course the main thing I’m stressing about is the technicalities of travel and cost.

And maybe the art prep before hand. I’m hoping to go into the residencies with a few detailed concepts of bigger pieces. But more importantly drafts of writing around liminality, getting those fresh eyes and ears if these ideas make any sense or connect in the way I want them to. I’m not looking to have good writing going in, just something tangible to develop. Very excited and lucky for this opportunity and I cant wait to soak it all up.

I want to get more consistent and this feels like a much needed outlet to work on that skill. I have to stop being so hard on myself, I’m doing things even if I'm not posting it, I think the online sphere has really affected us in that way and this is my handle of dealing with it. Progression goes up and down as long as you keep trying etc, etc. I have hope!!